How AVAILABLE are you?
How AVAILABLE are they?
Whether you're single or married, the question of AVAILABILITY is a good one...especially if you're interested in attracting, creating or deepening a connection with a "significant someone". Many of the same principles apply, too, regarding availability for friendships, co-workers, employees or an important project or dream.
If you're single and looking, perhaps you've found yourself attracting men or women who aren't really "available". Or, maybe you feel frustrated with the level of intimacy in your existing relationship. Is it you? Or is it them? It takes TWO AVAILABLE individuals to create great relationships. The 5 keys below are a great way to assess yourself, and others - to determine if your "availability quotients" are adequate. If not, you'll quickly be able to identify the culprit, so that you ultimately get what you desire.
Already married or already in a relationship? The following keys may allow you to become even more available for your significant other, or identify what may be getting in the way of greater intimacy.
1. Get Honest - Take Inventory - Are you (or the other) in an existing relationship? Sometimes this is a simple analysis - yes or no. A potential partner "living with another" (not you)...is a good indicator they are "emotionally involved" elsewhere, even if they are spending time with you.
Sometimes, it's more complicated, and you have to get really honest. I know a married woman who is "emotionally involved" with another man...even though it isn't physical. But, her energies aren't 100% focused on her husband. I've also found that I wasn't really "available" because I was still emotionally "attached" to a previous relationship.
While it's essential to determine if a "potential partner" is available...it's even MORE IMPORTANT to look at your OWN AVAILABILITY first. If you continually attract "non-available" people into your life, you're probably not truly available yourself. Start with yourself first. If when you get honest, and notice you are attached to someone else, decide if that's what you want...or if it's time to cut the emotional "heart-strings", and take the time to heal, and become "available". A 30 to 90 day break from "your attachment" may give you the freedom you need to start afresh.
2. What do you WANT? Do you desire a committed, relationship that leads to marriage and children? Do you want emotional intimacy? Do you want physical intimacy? What interests do you want to share with your significant someone? Allow yourself to name and claim your desires.
Knowing what you want, and what THEY want is key. One way to know if you're both serious, is if you're both willing to "express" what you want. When someone says openly and out loud, "I would like to get married and have children"...or "I desire deeper emotional intimacy" ......that's a good indicator. Especially, if they say it to you.
Focus on FEELINGS. This is the reason we're in relationships...how they make us feel. How do you want to feel when you're with this person? How do you want to feel about them? When we allow ourselves to connect emotionally to these FEELINGS in advance - it's easier to manifest these in a relationship.
3. Willingness to be OPEN - How willing are you really, to share yourself emotionally, or give of yourself energetically? To create a relationship takes a willingness to open yourself up to another. To reveal who you really are, your feelings, your truth. Doing this is a vulnerable feat, even if you're married. No one enjoys being rejected. It's easy to play it safe, and share the superficial trivia in life. It's another to share your dreams, hopes and fears. How willing are you to open yourself up to another?
4. Time - Relationships take TIME and energy. We're all busy and have various responsibilities and interests. I often notice how my clients, myself or friends get into a life pattern that has very little room for anything new. It may be necessary to carve out time, mentally visualizing when you'd create the time for a relationship or more intimacy. Perhaps you'll need to make some adjustments so that you can invest in cultivating the relationship you desire most.
5. Congruency - Honest "Emotionally Availability" Inventory Assessment + knowing what you want + willingness to be open + time = TRUE AVAILABILITY. How many times do you hear someone say they REALLY want a relationship, yet notice they aren't doing anything to meet new people? Or someone says they want to spend more time with you, yet always find themselves consumed in work, hobbies, or with the children? Put your money where your mouth is.
I know someone truly WANTS something, when their actions reflect their expressed desires.
TAKE ACTION. If you desire more emotional intimacy with your spouse, tell them. Then, set aside an evening to explore the idea, find out what they want, and brainstorm how you can create more of what you want together. If you want to spend time with someone, call them and set a date. If you want a relationship....get clear about what you want, write it down and let your friends know.
If throughout this assessment, you've discovered you're less "emotionally available" than you thought...that's okay. Honesty and awareness is the first step. Having the intention to be more "available" sets the wheels in motion. Then go to work, get support (like a coach) if need be, cut the emotional heartstrings with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend or a dead-end relationship with someone who's clearly not available to you. Practice revealing more about the "real you" and your desires. Create the time in your schedule.
SOULFUL Challenge: No matter how "available" you believe you are right now, challenge yourself to expand your "emotional availability" to others. For the next week, try on "being available" and notice what happens in your life.
Disclaimer: - I'm not suggesting a divorce, if you're married to someone who you assess isn't really available. Talk to them, and share your desires and, most importantly...start with your own "availability" FIRST. It's easy to blame someone else for "not being available". But, often times when we open ourselves up, and are willing to go first...others are there to meet us. We all ultimately want the same thing. The need for love and connection is a universal human trait. |
