Ok, let’s face it. We LOVE it when everyone in our lives loves and accepts us unconditionally. That’s a true friend, right? Or is it…? When we’re running late or irresponsible, and they don’t give us a hard time. When we’re a mess emotionally, and they listen to our “story”…over and over again, and continue to offer their support. When we’re PMS-ing (aka “being bitchy, whiney or needy” for women) or “isolating” (for men). I appreciate it when others overlook my flaws and the poor emotional states I’m in, AND still want to spend time with me, accept me and love me.
Have you ever gotten frustrated with someone, when youthought they weren’t “accepting who you are”? I’ve had that experience more than once. I thought, “Gosh, other people seem to accept me as I am, why can’t THEY?”
Then it dawned on me. Is what I want them to ACCEPT, really ME? Of course, if I’m copping an attitude about their so-called inability to accept me for who I am, I’m probably not exactly being a “lovebug”, am I? When this phenomena happens, I can almost guarantee that I’ve stepped into a world of FEAR, feeling needy, insecure, overwhelmed, frustrated, or emotionally distraught in some way. Yuck!
Are those emotions who I really am? NO. And, do I really want THEM to do something to REINFORCE or ENCOURAGE me to continue these “ego-based” unattractive emotions? NO. Not really.
If you’re lucky, as I’ve been, you’ll have someone who loves you “call you on it in some way”. However, they probably won’t say it in a gentle tone, “Oh Mary, I notice you’re being a little needy and insecure, right now…that’s not who you really are, is it?”. Usually “the guidance” will come in CODE LANGUAGE, which could easily be mistaken as “lack of love”. You’ll experience their RESISTANCE to “the faux you”…..perhaps they’ll withdraw, get angry or frustrated at you, or say something hurtful. And, it may even deepen those “icky emotions” you gingerly want them to accept. Their HONEST reactions actually say, “I don’t like who I perceive you are being right now”. Here’s an opportunity to check-in with yourself and see who you ARE being. Would YOU want to be with YOU in this state? IS this REALLY who you are, or has an “imposter temporarily taken over your body”? That imposter is your EGO.
If you’re thinking, but shouldn’t my friend or spouse “accept me as I am”?
They do accept you, or they wouldn’t be in your life. But, who they WANT to accept in that moment is the “REAL YOU”…FREE of the ego’s story or illusion of fear, frustration, insecurity, neediness and emotional turmoil. Who are you being when you’re “most authentic”, LOVING and accepting of THEM? Isn’t this really YOU? Don’t they seem to readily ACCEPT you when you’re really being you’re most relaxed, carefree, authentic, loving self – free from the bondage of the ego mind’s fears?
And, yes…ultimately I agree, the highest form of LOVE is “accepting what IS”…..even if you or they AREN’T being “an angel”. But, we’re not interested in THEIR personal growth, right now…we’re interested in YOURS.
So First, take their “CODE LANGUAGE” of RESISTANCE as a gift and look inside yourself. Deal with the source of the frustration, insecurity or neediness. The source of it, is ALWAYS YOU (even if we’re sure it’s them). More about how to process these emotions in later issues.
Secondly, practice dishing out what you want from them…”ACCEPT who they are” unconditionally. Ego and all. They are just being themselves, exactly as they should be in this moment. Giving you an opportunity to expand your LOVE muscles.